Memories

To sort through and write about as I’m able. Will add as I remember stuff.

Unknown Date

  • Making mud pies in the back
  • Playing make-believe in the Fort Douglas house

1999

  • Moving to Cottonwood Heights
  • Adopting Jackie
  • Getting assaulted by someone who was way older than me (double my age)
  • Meeting the Glads and the stuff that ensued from that
  • Meeting Sean and Kieran
  • Kayla being born

2000

  • Getting baptized

2001

  • Dad starting to have seizures
  • Zach being born

2002

  • Sydney’s mom dying

2003

  • Starting swim team
  • Having to be a parent to my siblings

2004

  • First chastity lesson and feeling like I was the filth of the earth
  • Being told that I needed to go on a diet and workout despite already loathing my body. Didn’t realize until later that it was gender dysphoria, but having it belittled because everyone socialized female hates their bodies.

2005

  • Starting middle school and the roller coaster of emotions there.

2006

  • Learning what rape was and being conflicted, because all of the things I’d been told about being a dirty person for having something sexual happen to me when I was seven and continuing to happen at the hands of people who were in my area and who I went to church with.

2007

  • Having someone die on the lifeguarding job
  • Short and tumultuous relationship with Sean
  • First suicide attempt
  • First real testament of God
  • Starting high school
  • Early morning seminary

2008

  • Relationship with Parker
  • Leaving the church for a while

2009

  • Coming back to the church and feeling more complete
  • Meeting Jacob
  • Taking Renn to prom as a male and having gender euphoria

2010

  • Starting college
  • Starting first polyamorous relationship/realizing Jacob was and feeling like I had no choice but to go along with it and not really voicing my discomfort

2011

  • Getting married and getting ordinances

2012

  • Having J come live with us for seven months
  • Starting Westminster slam poetry team and joining the slam poetry community

2013

  • Cut Renn out of my life
  • Going to New York for CUPSI
  • Meeting Niko
  • Visiting Niko in May and traveling to Wisconsin with Jacob’s family
  • Discovering food sensitivities and starting to make changes to diet

2014

  • Discovering genderfluid and clinging to it despite it not quite fitting right
  • Going to Thailand
  • Graduating college
  • Starting second polyamorous relationship when I wasn’t ready for it and didn’t understand what was happening
  • Falling apart pretty much right after graduating college
  • Getting diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression

2015

  • Discovering nonbinary and having gender euphoria because finally something applied to me
  • Starting hormone replacement therapy
  • Using genesight to find psych meds that work for me

2016

  • Election
  • Switching therapists
  • Starting freelance business in earnest (technically started in 2015, but picked up in 2016)

2017

  • Cutting my father out of my life
  • Reuniting with my mom after she separated from my dad
  • Watching my sister become completely controlled by my dad and feeling helpless to do anything about it
  • Jacob’s grandma dying
  • Tara and Sean separating and discovering that things were really horrible for them

2018

  • Getting gender marker changed
  • Having a falling out with my sister
  • Going to the psych ward twice
  • My parents getting divorced
  • Meeting Apollo, Kirian, and Galen
  • Having top surgery and getting body dysphoria for the first time ever
  • Opening up to second partner about things I haven’t told anyone and then being treated like a predator
  • Switching therapists again
  • Elder Oaks talk about gender and needing to leave the church after that

2019

  • Jacob going on medical leave for three months because job made him suicidal
  • Quitting said job after he was supposed to go back because of the extreme mental duress it put him through
  • Breaking up with second partner and having it completely destabilize me