Confession: I still feel guilt over someone I lost more than 7 years ago.
I’m not sure I can say I legitimately lost her. She was my friends mother…and to this day I’ve always held myself accountable for her abscence, for the direction my friend’s life took after she died.
When I was eleven, maybe twelve, I went to spend the night at my friend’s house. We were downstairs watching TV when I had this very loud feeling that we should go up to her mom. I told my friend, who didn’t seem too worried about it. Anyway, the night had come and the time was about 11:00 or so. We didn’t want to wake her up.
That feeling didn’t go away, but since my friend didn’t think it was a big deal I ignored it.
I have regretted ignoring that feeling ever since. The next morning we went up to ask what was for breakfast, only to find that she (my friend’s mother) had already passed away in the night.
I rarely saw my friend after that. She had to go live with her dad and eventually moved to South Carolina. There are so many things I wish I told her, and now it’s too late.
I had a dream last night that brought all of this back to the surface. What do I do? How do I convince myself that my friend’s mother’s death was not my fault?
I know that time heals wounds, but not if a splinter still rests in the wounded soul.