Strain

I’m tired.

My first day of class of my last year of college started yesterday. I had to be on campus for 12 hours and my food didn’t last long. This means I have to figure something else out as far as food goes, because I don’t live super close to campus and there is no refrigerator I can access.

This is difficult news for someone who has allergies bad enough to be afraid when she doesn’t know where her food comes from.

The past 11 days have been hard for me. I don’t think I’ve gone so long cooking everything from scratch. I know I was (and probably still am) addicted to sugar. The first few days, I didn’t think I could move without it. But I got through it and I already know I’m better without it. I’ve lost 6 pounds in the past 11 days without it. How can that be bad?

But I’m worried. Now that school’s started again, I don’t have the time I used to for preparing food. What if I slip back into my old ways of eating things that were bad for me because I could not find the time to cook something that wouldn’t hurt? What if I can only eat vegetables for the rest of my life?

I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. Jacob was going to transfer schools, but they only accept a few of his credits. Now what? After I graduate, what then?

I don’t think I’m the kind of person I need to be right now. I find it nearly impossible to open up to people and I’m afraid of making friends (especially recently). This is terrifying because I recognize next to no one on campus. I might have to make new friends. I’m so scared of it that I turned down someone’s offer to come and sit with them at lunch. Who does that? Me, I guess.

I’m telling you this in my effort to be more open and honest. This is the way I know how to talk to people. I can be open this way. If I’ve learned to talk to you like this, it’s easier (if only a little) to talk to you in person.

I’m not going to give up. But I could use a friend right now. I could use a little support to help me figure out how to get through my last year of college. Because by golly if I’m going to let this keep me from a degree.

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