For those of you that know me or follow me in some way, you’ll know I often take on more than I can handle. I feel the need to prove my worth and therefore do all of these unnecessary things.
But I never thought I would find a good explaination for my actions in my communication textbook. The passage that follows comes from a section of the book that talks about the advantages and disadvantages of bureaucratic structure, which is basically the hierarchy of positions and the separation of work and home life. The section also covers how corporations and people become preoccupied with measurable means to achieve certain goals.
“We can become obsessed with squeezing in a number of activities without asking ourselves if they are really important to us. If we eventually recognize that we have structured our lives around activities that aren’t really fulfilling, we can experience a crisis.”
I think the book is thinking of something like a mid life crisis, where we realize that the things we’ve been doing for so long don’t really matter. We wonder what we’ve done with our lives and if we’ve just wasted them doing things we thought we were supposed to do. Luckily, I’ve caught myself doing this before it’s too late.
I’m pursuing a writing career. I went to college to better my world view, improve my skills and give me the ability to get a job to support myself while my career takes off. This is the most important thing to me. This is what I am doing with my life and anything that distracts from that just gets in the way. I’m not participating in slam anymore because I don’t have the time or the energy to devote to it that I feel it requires. I think it is an admirable endeavor, but it is not for me. Right now, this blog my stories and novels are what I will accomplish with my life.
I don’t want to live my life for someone else anymore. There will always be at least one person who doesn’t agree with my choices, who thinks I’m horrible. But that would be the case no matter what I do. And I’ve noticed that I often don’t think of people the way they think of me. So what I have a belly? Most people don’t care and those that do aren’t people I particularly want to be around anyways. I know that I am working to make myself the best I can be and most people won’t be able to see that. And that’s okay. Most of them are too concerned with making their own lives work to criticize me for the way I live mine.