You may have noticed that I haven’t posted in over a month.
There’s a reason for this. My life decided to take a sharp turn and I’m still reeling from it.
About mid-September I started getting some pain and uncomfortable itching in awkward places. I went to the doctor, we chalked it up to an infection, that was that.
Until the pain got worse once my antibiotics were finished. With each time I went to the doctor for answers, it seemed to worsen, not get better. So far I’ve got to five doctors to no avail.
So I decided to take things into my own hands. I heard that probiotics helped with abdominal/torso pain, so I started taking some. My body responded well to this and even started to hurt less. For the first time in two months. And then, without even looking, I found an article that seemed to explain what was going on. I went to my primary care physician and asked him about it, which led to him giving me a medication that would help us identify what was going on. If it helped, then it was a muscle/organ spasm in the digestive system. If not, then we would know that it wasn’t my colon.
It helped. Enough so that I didn’t need to be on narcotics. Now we know that whatever’s going on is in my digestive system. I’m on track to see a GI in two weeks and I finally have an idea of what’s happening to me.
Now, you might say that all of this is horrible. I think it is. But, that’s not all it is. This right here is a life lesson.
My school career each semester goes something like this: Start a new semester, get really excited about all of these opportunities, take a handful. Get really stressed out and hit with health problems. Drop out of some of those opportunities and feel stupid and self-conscious. End semester burnt out and needing to recover. Repeat.
I’m still dealing with a lot of things from years ago. My family went through some really hard times and I had to grow up really fast. I saw two people die before I turned 16. I don’t think I’ve quite recovered from all of the things that have happened in my life. Because I haven’t given myself the time. I grew up needing to do a lot of things at once, so I thought that if I wasn’t always doing something that something was wrong with me.
This has caused some mental issues. My stress point is much lower than I perceive of others and “real jobs” are hard to handle, as it takes me back to all the times I had to work when I was younger. I haven’t let myself heal and in the meantime, my wounds have festered to the point where they’ve almost knocked me out.
This health crisis has brought to a head my need to heal, to give myself as much time as it takes to recover from the trauma and strenuous times behind me. Marathon runners need recovery time. But I have run many marathons without any recovery. Each one harder than the last. So I will take it slow. I will risk being called lazy, dependent and stupid so that I can take care of myself. I know that I won’t be able to succeed until I am stable and in a safe place, physically, mentally, spiritually.
In these hardships I’ve also realized that I have so much good to do in the world. There are so many messages, stories and projects that will help people. I don’t have the time to do what society tells me to do. I have the opportunity to go forth and do my own thing to help those in need. Who wouldn’t take that?
And for all of you out there feeling stuck, or trapped, unloved, unwanted, or bad in any way, I feel for you. Please know that I am here for you. Talk to me. Tell me what you need and I will do everything I can to help you.
You’ll hear more from me soon.