Everyone tells me that senioritis is perfectly reasonable for someone going through their last semester of college. But I have never before dreaded going to class and doing homework to the point where I consider working in retail just to get out of it.
But don’t worry. I’m not giving up. I know that once I’m finished, I’ll be much better off. Even though I’m not getting a big kid job, I’m still going to work my tail off. I have a plan that I can enact once I steady myself a little bit. I have to finish my senior thesis by mid-February, and come then I’ll be in full on professional creator mode.
I guess what’s so hard about this semester is that I don’t have any more major classes. Everything but the yoga and meditation classes are to go towards my Honors Degree. Part of me wishes I hadn’t done it, but most of me is glad I decided to go for the Honors Degree. If not, I wouldn’t have decided to do a thesis that pushed me towards the idea of making a YouTube channel/vlog that discusses the idea of spirituality. I wouldn’t be connecting with people on a deeper level and confronting issues that most people shove aside to make room for their career and a big house.
I don’t think I would have made the decision to go for what makes me happy, even though my financial security would be completely shot.
And that is why I do things I dread. Because they lead to things I love. Doing things that on the surface make me miserable push me to go to places I wouldn’t go before. And in doing so, they help me to find things that make me happy, to find opportunities that would be better than anything I could have thought up on my own.
This is good practice. When writing, I will come to days where I just don’t want to write. Where I will have books I want to read, movies I want to watch and people I want to be with. But I will write.
I will write because not writing means not giving someone the words of comfort and support they need on a dark day. I will keep going to school because not getting a degree means that I will not have finished something and that will eat at me for the rest of my life. It will mean that my opportunities will be much less than if I had just been miserable for these last few months.
And I will hate it. I will try to find reasons not to go to class and not to do my homework. But I will go. I will read the spanish stories and the snippets on political economy. I will meditate and reflect to hone my focus so that come graduation, I will be on my way to a career as a novelist.
And I will get it, too. Just you wait.